The Things People Say

This is a conversation that was had tonight between me and my step-mother-in-law:

HER: Are you sure you’re not having twins?

ME: Yeah, I’m sure.

HER: If you get any bigger you won’t be able to move around!

ME: Wow.

HER: Really! I don’t think I was that big even at the end of my pregnancies!

ME: (Silently walking away so she wouldn’t see me cry.)

This conversation really happened, in public, at a restaurant, at the end of an otherwise wonderful evening. I cried the whole 30 minute drive home. I have no idea how anyone would think it a good idea to say those things to a pregnant woman. To any woman, as my husband pointed out.

Yes, I’ve put on some weight. Sure, it’s about 10 pounds more than I should have by this point. But what the fuck? I just googled pictures of women that are 22 weeks pregnant, and some of them look a lot bigger than I do. Some of them are smaller, too. Honestly, I think I’m right about in the middle.

Until tonight I thought my burgeoning belly was cute. I’d admire it in the mirror.

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10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong

I guess this originally came from someone’s facebook page, but as I don’t do facebook I cannot link directly to it. Still, I thought it was so wonderful when I saw it on another site that I wanted to repost it. Follow that link for links to the original posting on facebook.

I feel very strongly about this issue. I believe everyone should have the right to marry. I simply can’t understand why anyone would have a problem with it. I believe that in 50 years the people who publicly oppose gay marriage are going to look just like the people that opposed blacks and whites attending the same schools: foolish and ignorant. They should be embarrassed for being discriminatory. In the future people will look back and say, “How did people actually state these feelings aloud and in public? What were they thinking?!” If you don’t believe me, simply take a look at this picture:

How disgusting and irrational do those people look to you? With that said, I give you this:

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay

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WTF, Post Office?

I’d love to know whose hazelnut coffee spilled all over the package I sent to my friend. What the fuck, post office? It seems to me like your employees shouldn’t be allowed to have drinks near the packages you’ve been charged to ship. And to spill it on media mail? That’s just the worst! It’s books, you fucker! Now I have to send my friend a coffee-laden book. Bah. I am not pleased. I hope when I go to mail it, you happily refund the $2.77 that I paid to send a book on a short vacation to your Baltimore sorting facility. And maybe the dollar I spent on the envelope, too. Fuckers.

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Bundt Cakes

Never again will I make a bundt cake. Seriously, I’ve made over a dozen and have not ever successfully removed one from the pan.

Yesterday I made a Meyer Lemon Bundt with Lemon Curd Filling. It should have looked like this:

I buttered the shit out of that pan, I swear. I flipped upside down and spent a good 10 minutes trying to get that damn cake out in 1 piece. First I tapped with a spoon. Then I rapped it with a spoon. Then I slammed it with a spoon. Then I used my hands to pummel the pan. Then I flexed the pan. Then I lifted the pan and dropped it onto the rack. Then I lifted the pan and heaved it onto the rack. Then the curd started pouring out all over my counter and I knew it was done. So I scooped it all out into a baking dish, poured lemon glaze over the whole thing, and declared that I will NEVER make a bundt cake again.

It tastes delicious, by the way.

So the next time I have meyer lemons, I’ll simply make the delicious and simple Keys Style Lemon Pie that I made

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Dinner: A steak, broiled. Broccoli, steamed. Potatoes, mashed.

Simple enough, right? Make the steak a chicken breast, the broccoli a pile of peas, and the potatoes white rice. It’s not any different. It’s protein, vegetable, and carbohydrate.

I was just browsing the vegetarian section over on Tasty Kitchen, and I realized that all of the recipes suck. They look good, but in essence, they suck. They all involve fruit. None of them are for men, that’s for sure. They’re full of odd ingredients that normal people don’t typically have around their kitchen. I know vegetarians aren’t normal people, and this helps to account for some of the recipes. But none of those odd, healthy little people seem to think about us meat eaters. Their recipes are for people like them only. People that have a 50 lb sack of quinoa in their pantry, a wedge of raclette in their fridge, and daikon in the fruit bowl. The fact that my spell checker thinks all of those words are nonexistent means I’m on to something.

I ask myself, why does a vegetarian need those things? To be honest, my husband actually asked me. Here is the conversation we had:


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American Diabetes Association, I’m talking to you.

When I was 19, and feeling virtuous, I decided to donate $50 to you. I had a friend with diabetes, and he had recently lost his vision due to diabetic retinopathy. I felt for him, and I realized for the first time what a horrible condition diabetes really is. So I took half of my weekly earnings from my shitty part-time mall job, and I gave it to you. I did this in the hopes that my $50 would go towards some sort of research. Looking back over the dozen years I have lived since that donation, I have to feel that my donation went to no such thing.

Why? Because yesterday I received a plea from you to donate more. This plea included a ream of Christmas themed address labels bursting with every color ink, shimmering with gold foil, littered with smiling snowmen, wintry snowscapes, and stacks of gifts. Oh, an added bonus! You gave me 3 gift labels to use! How convenient!

If these high-quality, high-priced stickers were branded “ADA” and “Help Fight Diabetes” and “Check Your Blood Sugar Today!” I might not be sitting here writing this post. But, alas,

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